Today is a day I have thought about for the last thirteen and a half years. I remember sitting in the bathtub and dreading my twenty seventh birthday as a thirteen and a half year old. I know that sounds crazy, but on the day I turned thirteen and a half years old, my mother died. It was - and will always be - the greatest loss of my life. She was my mother, my father, my best friend. I pictured her with me at all of life’s events - at graduations, at weddings - and she has never been there.
As of today, I have been alone - without her - longer than I have been with her. More than half of my life, she has been gone.
People would always tell me they were sorry for me, but that it would get better. It never got better. In fact, it only gets worse as time goes on. I try not to compare myself to those around me, but it’s hard not to. I see my friends making their parents into grandparents, and I shudder at the fact my kids will never meet my parents. I see all of the love a mother adds to one’s life and can’t help but feel this huge void.
Alhamdulilah, I have my amazing grandparents who I love more than life itself, but no one NO ONE can replace my mother.
One of my life goals, since that time, was to ensure that by my 27th birthday, I was not alone. I did not want to spend more of my life without an immediate family than I did with one. EVER. I was sure by today I would be married with kids. And still, that has not panned out. In fact, I’m probably further away from that today than ever before.
Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed beyond measure, Alhamdulilah. Most importantly, the thing that has filled that void in my mother’s absence has been my closeness to Allah (swt). If it wasn’t for this loss in my life, I may never have been open to exploring my faith or the depths of my heart. It has taught me that nothing is permanent. Your biggest source of comfort, which was my mother for me, can disappear in a blink of an eye.
Allah is the only One who is permanent. He is our Companion in all times. He never leaves us. He is always with us. He sees and He hears. He draws us nearer to Him in bad times and in good. He is irreplaceable. He is our Creator. He is our Destiny. His love is the only love that spans all times and all locations. He is never lost. He never dies. He found me an orphan and He comforted me. He found me completely alone and He cared for me. My greatest pleasure in this life is knowing Him, loving Him and to constantly strive to please Him. And, if He shows Mercy on all of my many mistakes and downfalls, meeting Him someday in Paradise - hopefully with my mother - will make all of the pain of this world, the loss, the loneliness, worth it.
So i will leave you with wise words from my mother that she wrote before she died, unaware of her death:
““Because even if I don’t see you, or talk to you daily, it doesn’t mean we are not special to each other it means no matter when, what, where, how, or why - we are always together in our hearts - and that is a special, happy place.” ”
