May Allah Be Pleased with You, Nicole Hunter-Mostafa <3

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Inna lilahi w inna lilayhi rajoon <3 I only know how to do one thing when my heart is literally broken, and that's write.  So here we go. You can't imagine the sinking feeling I get knowing she's not going to read this.  Bismillah.

It takes a lot for me to become a "fan girl."  I don't know about the lives of celebrities... but when I read Nicole's Blog: The Same Rainbow's End, I knew I met another part of my soul.

A white American girl from the Ozarks desperately in love with her Saudi husband with his cute "Saleh-isms" and the most intelligent, sweet, sassy girl that could only have been raised by someone as amazing as Nicole, Lavi.

I felt like when I met her, I had so much of her life to catch up on.  I read her blog so fast.  I literally felt as though I knew her. I contacted her on Facebook, explaining I'm a fellow blogger and fan girl-ing EXTRA hard. She responded within a few days and was so generous with her time and her stories. I couldn't wait to meet her.

I immediately found out I had a position in Riyadh after the first time we spoke.  I explained my own complicated life situation and we clicked and finally were able to connect in Riyadh.

Midwesterners that love Saudi culture and living in Riyadh?!... how many of us can there really be?  As far as I'm concerned, just the two of us.

Nicole is one of less than five people I can consider my role model.  She was funny, happy, positive beyond belief, wise, and she REALLY (and I mean REALLY) loves her daughters and her husband.

She loves her husband so much that I wanted to marry into the family because clearly they're putting something special into these kids to make Nicole so incredibly in love with the whole family.

I'm sitting here in a puddle of tears thinking of Lavender and Juliet, her two daughters (one of them only a few months old).  They are so incredibly blessed to have had her as a mother - for one minute or one month or one year - she will never ever stop loving them. Still, the loss of someone that special will never be easy.  I can't even begin to understand it - whether or not I lost my mother at a young age.  When I grow up, I want to be Lavender.

If I could tell you how many times I've reflected on a silly story she told me about how her father-in-law once said out of no where when sitting down at the dinner table (I'm paraphrasing) "Nicole was the best thing to happen to this family."

When you hear "no" from Saudi families because of your nationality, this story will change your life.  It did mine.  It gave me so much hope.

Her whole life gave me hope. She will always give me hope.

Abu Saleh, I have to say, you might be wrong.  She may have been the best thing to happen to this whole ummah, and definitely was one of the most vivid characters in my life.

Ya Nicole,

I love you.  You probably never knew how much you changed my life.  You made me better in so many ways.  I'm so incredibly grateful for every single millisecond you talked with me.  I love your jokes.  I love your humor.  I love the way you see the world.  You made me love the freaking Ozarks.  I'm so blessed to be your sister in faith and beyond HONORED to have had you in my life.

If you look down at your keyboard, you'll see that the N,J,H and M are all touching.  Nicole pointed out to me once that these are her initials.  I'll never look at those letters the same again.

I can't wait to get to the end of the rainbow to see you again.  May Allah grant you the absolute highest level in Jannah.

"Oh, dream maker, you heart breakerWherever you're going, I'm going your way

Two drifters, off to see the worldThere's such a lot of world to seeWe're after that same rainbow's end"

#PlayboyHijabi - Where Scarf Meets Scandalous

As my Facebook feed has continued to remind me, a hijabi woman was featured in Playboy magazine this week. No, she wasn't wearing hijab and pasties... she gave an interview that spoke about modesty... but from the comments, you would never realize that.

How dare we judge Noor?

Actually, I have spoken with her personally before when I asked for support on an idea I had brewing in my mind.  I talked to several "famous" Muslims and Noor was one of only a few who took the time to personally respond.  I like her in general, but I don't know her nor do I pretend to.

But what I do know is that sometimes we have to stand up for ourselves in unconventional ways.  Sometimes, my best conversations about hijab happen when a girl in very revealing clothing talks to me.  Sometimes my dawah is strongest when I'm speaking with people who fundamentally HATE Islam.

I get the part of the argument people are making that the interview will be used to sell more magazines and that this is thus making money for an organization that blatantly oppresses women in a way that Islam is HIGHLY against... but I don't get the criticisms of Noor herself.

I would be mad at her representation if she was half naked and talking about Islam... but... she's not.  Her body and her thoughts belong to her and do not belong to all of Islam.  Just as we do not want ISIS to speak for all of us because we don't agree with their ideas, Noor also does not need to speak for all of us if we don't agree with her opinions.

What if Allah loves her and you are judging her? You are calling her a hypocrite when Allah has not yet judged her or any of us.

Would I give an interview for Playboy? Maybe not... but for the sake of Noor and for the harsh criticisms I've seen from friends that I know a lot about... remember that Allah may magnify the one that you are humiliating.

Leave things that are not of your concern.

Allahu alam.  God knows best.

How Does It Feel to Be an Old Lady?

This week was my twenty-sixth birthday.  I cannot believe how old I'm becoming and how quick time flies. On top of this birthday, my little cousin who means more than anything in the world to me is turning eighteen in a few days.  I held her in my arms the day she was born.  I cannot believe that in this short amount of time, we have become adults.

This week I've done quite a bit of reflecting.

I'm not at all where I thought I would be at twenty-six.  I'm single, childless, I've started my own small business with no intentions of reaching mass proportions... Many people think my life is a train wreck.

Can I tell you something? My life is a beautiful mess.

Yes, I'm not the person I thought I would be if you read my five year goals at age 21... but I'm better.

While I so look forward to meeting my nuseeb (soulmate) someday soon inshaAllah and having a little Muslim family together, I have been building myself and bettering myself every day.

I'm still working on becoming the best "me" that I can be, but at age twenty-six, I'm still a work in progress.

I've learned to be so incredibly happy for the other people in my life that have achieved the goals that I hope to achieve soon and pray that the goals that Allah has in store for me are just as blessed.

Thanks for the birthday love from everyone.  I appreciate your prayers, well wishes, and even your concerns...

Alhamdulilah for everything that has happened to me in these past 26 years and Alhamdulilah for everything that I wanted but Allah did not give me.

كل عام و انتم بخير // Eid Mubarak

Just a quick note to say Eid Mubarak to all of my amazing followers near and far. Love you all for the sake of Allah <3

We All Need a Little Forgiveness... The Day of Arafah

These past few weeks, I have traveled back to Los Angeles and have been spending time organizing my life and my thoughts and while reflecting back, the theme of these weeks has been forgiveness. I happen to admittedly be one of the worst possible people at forgiving others.  I have a motto "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me" and I have lived by this motto since I can remember.  Because of that, people have one strike.  If they hurt me.... they're out of my life.

I'm not proud of this quality. I'm actually disgusted by it... but as an extremely sensitive person, this has become a second nature instinct. I have literally been best friends with someone one day and the next day never spoken with them again.

So that actually happened about two years ago. I spent nearly every waking moment with one person and after she hurt me, I cut her out of my life completely.  It was like she didn't exist.

Two years later, I was forced to go to dinner with her by a mutual friend who is quite sneaky and it was like our friendship never changed.  It all clicked all over again.  I'm staying with her for the next three months.  This is a powerful reminder of how forgiveness (both me forgiving her and her forgiving me) has been such a blessing.

Today, on the Day of Arafah, the theme is also forgiveness.  Fasting today will forgive your sins from last year and for the next year inshaAllah.  As I sit here, staring down some Creamy Ranch Quaker snacks that I can't wait to dive into, I am so humbled by forgiveness.

Allah's forgiveness is infinite.  He does not even judge us until the Day of Judgement.  He loves us to the point that His Forgiveness has such a simple requirement of fasting one day.

I keep asking myself: Who do I think that I am that I do not forgive people? Why am I so special that I only give people one strike when Allah gives countless opportunities to repent?

His Mercy is the reason for every moment of our existence. It embraces all things.

More than anything, this is a reminder for myself to be more merciful.  After all, if you show mercy to the ones on earth, the One in Heaven will show you Mercy.

Please keep me in your du'aa today and always.  Please forgive me for all of my shortcomings. Please remember, no matter how far away you are from Allah right now, He has never taken leave of you and He holds your forgiveness.

Do I Have to Wear a Hijab If I Convert to Islam?

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Every day I check out the search terms people used to find my blog so if there are any questions that I feel like I might be able to answer, I have the ability to answer them so that the next similar Google search can give some answers inshaAllah. As a stipulation, I do try to always make it clear I'm not a religious expert by ANY means.  I'm just trying to explain what I know and my understanding of that very small subsection of knowledge.

I saw this question the other day: "Do I have to wear a hijab if I convert to Islam?"

So the answer is yes.... and no... at the same time.

Religiously, hijab is a requirement.  It's debated, but I'm honestly not quite sure why it's debated.  The Quran in verse 24:31 (yes, I know the verse by heart, that's how often I get this question) mentions that "khimar" (a covering of both the head and breast) is required.

At the same time, wearing hijab doesn't make you Muslim.  Thus, when you ask "do I have to" the answer is "not necessarily."

No one is perfect.  So, I might wear hijab but I may be terrible at prayer.  You might not wear hijab, but you might be a way better Muslim than I am in other ways.

You should wear hijab from an Islamic perspective... but no one is perfect. What is important is to have modesty.

So, my dear reader whoever you are that had this question in mind and came to my blog looking for an answer: If you do not feel comfortable wearing hijab today, but you believe that there is no god but God and that Prophet Muhammad is His messenger - take your shahada. Right now. And hijab can come in time.

Can I be honest with you? I felt the exact same way as you.  I promise.  I'm actually tearing up now thinking about how I used to feel this way and how scared I was... that scariness goes away so fast.

One day, I decided I felt better wearing hijab.  So I did. I tried it. I practiced.  And I practiced so much that I got good at it and started wearing it full time five years ago.

That feeling may come for you in a day. Or a year.  Or never...

And that's between you and your God.  NO ONE else.

Make it an ultimate goal, but first focus on your faith.  When God decides you will wear it, you will.

Trust me, it's just a piece of cloth... but what it represents will make your heart happier than you can imagine.

Welcome to Islam, my sister <3 May God hold your soul in His hand from now until forever.

With love,

Hannah

P.S. if you need anything, please contact me.

Congratulations to Ibtihaj Muhammad #TeamUSA

First and foremost, CONGRATULATIONS are in order for Ms. Ibtihaj Muhammad, the first ever American olympian to compete wearing hijab.  I do not know her... but I'm as proud of her as if she was my own sister...

Because... well, she IS my sister.  My sister in Islam.

She is also my sister in passport ;)

Ibtihaj Muhammad helps to define America and to teach those who are so adamantly sure that Muslim women should "adapt" or to "assimilate" to "American culture" that... well, this IS American culture. Diversity, love, and acceptance are American.

American culture has nothing to do with how much skin is showing and much more to do with the content of our character... in both my opinion and that of Dr. Martin Luther King (can I get an amen?!).

I'm impressed with Muhammad's character.  May God continue to make her a shining example for girls throughout the world - whether they are Muslim or not!

Now, as happy as I am for America, hijabis, and Ibtihaj herself.  I'm devastated for how negative the media has been.

I googled her name to find a photo of her to include in this post.  The TOP results are below:

I did not sort the results in any way.  This is what's at the top.

Never mind that she's a beast.  Never mind that she is REPRESENTING America...

The top result shows a HIGHLY misconstrued quote from her father mentioning that she shouldn't argue with men because her safety is at risk... (a different meaning than the headline reads, dontcha think?).

And, the second falsely claims she is "criticizing her country."  No, hunny, she is shedding light on important topics.  People keep saying she is abusing her privilege.  Well, guess what? They don't want me, your everyday American Muslim girl, to sit on television and bring these points up.  She is utilizing her platform for goodness - for people who fit in all "other" categories.

Don't even get me started about the comments on these two articles... they literally make me cry.  

Ibtihaj's father said it best: "I said the media is tricky, and they try to cause a controversial thing because that’s what sells papers" (Hines).

Please, America: Be proud of someone who represents you.  Be proud if she wears hijab or a thong.  Love her.  Accept her for who she is... just as you would want your children to be accepted.

I saw someone say they didn't care that she wears hijab and it's irrelevant and she's not special.  Have you ever worked out in hijab? No? Then you can't comment.

Not only that, but people are only mad because she is redefining the narrative of a Muslim person as a more accurate depiction and not the oppressed homemaker that the television loves to show.

Oh, and if you hate her... I hope she smiles in your face with hijab on, waving a big old American flag.

#TeamUSA #TeamAcceptance #TeamDiversity #TeamLOVE

Mabrook, ya 7elwa. Allah y3teke ALF 3fyah <3

Happy Hijabiversary to Me!

I expect gifts.  EXPENSIVE gifts. Just kidding ;)

Five years ago today I started wearing hijab full time, Alhamdulilah!

I know it may seem like a silly bit of excitement, and I "celebrate" it annually (you know, poppin' bottles of grape juice), but it was truly one of the most impactful decisions I've ever made.

When I was in high school and in college, appearance was everything to me.  I cared how I looked at all times. I would be mortified when I would sleep at a friends house and they would see me without makeup or without my hair perfectly curled, for example.

And then, when I learned about hijab the first time, I said, and I quote, "I could NEVER wear that!"

I was wrong.

Then, after studying the concept more and trying it out myself, I understood the importance and the meaning of hijab in Islam.  It soon felt so much more comfortable to go somewhere with it on than it did to go somewhere without it.

I remember "practicing" wearing hijab on a car trip once just to see how other people would react.  Would they stare? Would they avoid me?  I was interested to find that, largely, NO ONE CARED. 

It didn't even matter if someone cared though, because I knew I wanted to wear it.... and so, on August 1st, the first day of my first Ramadan five years ago, I started wearing hijab.

Yes, the first day at work was a bit awkward.

Yes, the first day of college my senior year was awkward.

Yes, seeing my grandparents the first time was awkward.

And then, the second time wasn't so awkward anymore.

I'm so so so happy to wear hijab and represent Islam on a daily basis, even if it's scary in today's world.  From the absolute bottom of my little heart, it makes me a better person.

It makes me want to help people carry their groceries. It makes me want to hold the door open for someone an extra few seconds away from the "normal door holding range." It makes me want to show people how kind Muslims truly are.

It's not just for show, of course, but an added benefit that keeps me excited every day when I wrap myself up like a burrito.  

I can't believe it's been 5 years since I've been "hair-less" to most of society.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: 

"I don't think I'm a better Muslim for wearing hijab, no, but I am more of a representation. I can't go wherever I please without representing the second largest religion in the world, and when people have this preconceived notion that I am oppressed, it's a lot of pressure to surpass their expectations of me within a few moments of interaction.

It is quite possibly the only piece of fabric in the world that can make me a spokesmodel just by putting it on my head. But at the same time that it is pressure, it is also a gift- one that stems from the greatest gift of all, one Allah Himself bestowed upon me- being Muslim.

May Allah (swt) make all of us the best representations of Him that we can possibly be - no matter what we wear." <3

May God put modesty, one of the qualities that He loves, in the hearts of all women AND MEN around the world.