Are You Kidding, America?

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I was so confident going into the election that Hillary would win that I barely kept up with the election during the entire day on the 8th.  I personally choose not to vote for weird reasons that I don't think deserve explaining because they're really not that intelligent, but I knew no one would go out to vote for a candidate that makes rape jokes and that has literally NO idea what he's doing... I mean, I know my fellow Americans aren't all geniuses but no one is that stupid. Then, I went to a Lakers game and checked the results and felt like I was going to pass out.

Are you kidding me, America?

A man that is literally a modern Hitler is now the leader of our country... let that sink in.

If you have another opinion, I'm not sorry that I offended you.  I'm sorry that you've never experienced what it's like to be "other."

I used to be just like you... I used to never know what it was like to be discriminated against.  I was never threatened by police or by other people.  No one told me to "go back where I come from."

That is, until I decided to convert and wore hijab.  All of a sudden, I became "other."  And let me tell you, "other" is scary.  It's hard to live in a world where people tell you you deserve to be killed for your beliefs, or that you're going to hell, or that you don't deserve to live in America... it literally sucks.

And now, someone who thinks I should be put into a Muslim camp until "things are sorted out" is the leader of this country.

Since his presidency, there have been Muslim girls who have had so many problems: having their scarves tugged at, being told its illegal to wear it, and even being threatened to be lit on fire if the hijab wasn't removed.

And even worse, this is not a Muslim issue.  This is an everyone issue: young Latino students were told by classmates they would be deported, black people have seen increased hatred, and the suicide rate for LGQBT? community has greatly increased.

I love you, America.  I believe in you.  You need to stand up for what is right in this world.  I don't think my beliefs are the only "right" beliefs, but they are humane. They are filled with compassion. And they understand what being an "other" is.

I don't hate you if you voted for Trump, but I hate you if you're perpetuating the stereotypes that create a huge divide in this country and that have done so since the day white people landed in America.

May God protect us all - from the littlest Mexican kindergartener to the oldest hijabi Muslima and everyone in between.

Thank You. I Love You.

I can't write about the madness of the election just yet because I will have an aneurysm... but in an effort to have a positive moment in my day, I responded to all of the dozens of emails I missed on my travels to Dubai. First, so sorry that I don't respond as immediately as I would like to.  I read them literally within seconds of you sending them, but I want to make sure I am being authentic in my responses on an individual basis.

Second, thank you.  I literally pray for each of you... you have no idea how thankful I am. Like, really, really, really, sincerely, thank you.  Thank you for just reading this. Thank you for caring about me... I'm really undeserving.  Last month I lost someone (Nicole) who I cared about very much - more than she would ever know - and when I read what you wrote  me in the emails, I was overwhelmed with appreciation.  It made me feel so much better.  I know how I felt the first time I read her blog and how special she made me feel when I read it... so I hope I can impart a tiny percentage of that feeling back to you. SubhanAllah, I miss her.

Third, you guys are seriously the best.  I am so impressed and honored by all of the amazing amazing amazing women who email me on a daily basis.  I'm so sorry for all of your struggles, but, as I said to one particularly special girl today, I pray you find all the beauty in the struggles.

I listen to hardcore rap because... well... I like to be as strange of a combination as possible... and J.Cole says, "there's beauty in the struggle, ugliness in the success... we grew up in the city and though sometimes we had less, compared to some of my n[eighbo]rs down the block, man, we were blessed. life is not a fairy tale no once upon a time, but I'll be G-d damned if [I] don't be trying..." It's really a wise lyric more than it gets credit for.

Anyways, moral of the story: thank you and I love you.  I'm honored to know you, whoever you are.  Or, I'm honored that you know me at least :) I don't care if you're a Puerto Rican Jew or a Tibetan Christian or an Australian Muslim.  I love you all and you're all special to me more than you can imagine.

Thanks for letting me take up a moment of your time.  <3 Hope we are all neighbors someday in Heaven so I can return the favor.

May Allah Be Pleased with You, Nicole Hunter-Mostafa <3

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Inna lilahi w inna lilayhi rajoon <3 I only know how to do one thing when my heart is literally broken, and that's write.  So here we go. You can't imagine the sinking feeling I get knowing she's not going to read this.  Bismillah.

It takes a lot for me to become a "fan girl."  I don't know about the lives of celebrities... but when I read Nicole's Blog: The Same Rainbow's End, I knew I met another part of my soul.

A white American girl from the Ozarks desperately in love with her Saudi husband with his cute "Saleh-isms" and the most intelligent, sweet, sassy girl that could only have been raised by someone as amazing as Nicole, Lavi.

I felt like when I met her, I had so much of her life to catch up on.  I read her blog so fast.  I literally felt as though I knew her. I contacted her on Facebook, explaining I'm a fellow blogger and fan girl-ing EXTRA hard. She responded within a few days and was so generous with her time and her stories. I couldn't wait to meet her.

I immediately found out I had a position in Riyadh after the first time we spoke.  I explained my own complicated life situation and we clicked and finally were able to connect in Riyadh.

Midwesterners that love Saudi culture and living in Riyadh?!... how many of us can there really be?  As far as I'm concerned, just the two of us.

Nicole is one of less than five people I can consider my role model.  She was funny, happy, positive beyond belief, wise, and she REALLY (and I mean REALLY) loves her daughters and her husband.

She loves her husband so much that I wanted to marry into the family because clearly they're putting something special into these kids to make Nicole so incredibly in love with the whole family.

I'm sitting here in a puddle of tears thinking of Lavender and Juliet, her two daughters (one of them only a few months old).  They are so incredibly blessed to have had her as a mother - for one minute or one month or one year - she will never ever stop loving them. Still, the loss of someone that special will never be easy.  I can't even begin to understand it - whether or not I lost my mother at a young age.  When I grow up, I want to be Lavender.

If I could tell you how many times I've reflected on a silly story she told me about how her father-in-law once said out of no where when sitting down at the dinner table (I'm paraphrasing) "Nicole was the best thing to happen to this family."

When you hear "no" from Saudi families because of your nationality, this story will change your life.  It did mine.  It gave me so much hope.

Her whole life gave me hope. She will always give me hope.

Abu Saleh, I have to say, you might be wrong.  She may have been the best thing to happen to this whole ummah, and definitely was one of the most vivid characters in my life.

Ya Nicole,

I love you.  You probably never knew how much you changed my life.  You made me better in so many ways.  I'm so incredibly grateful for every single millisecond you talked with me.  I love your jokes.  I love your humor.  I love the way you see the world.  You made me love the freaking Ozarks.  I'm so blessed to be your sister in faith and beyond HONORED to have had you in my life.

If you look down at your keyboard, you'll see that the N,J,H and M are all touching.  Nicole pointed out to me once that these are her initials.  I'll never look at those letters the same again.

I can't wait to get to the end of the rainbow to see you again.  May Allah grant you the absolute highest level in Jannah.

"Oh, dream maker, you heart breakerWherever you're going, I'm going your way

Two drifters, off to see the worldThere's such a lot of world to seeWe're after that same rainbow's end"

#PlayboyHijabi - Where Scarf Meets Scandalous

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As my Facebook feed has continued to remind me, a hijabi woman was featured in Playboy magazine this week. No, she wasn't wearing hijab and pasties... she gave an interview that spoke about modesty... but from the comments, you would never realize that.

How dare we judge Noor?

Actually, I have spoken with her personally before when I asked for support on an idea I had brewing in my mind.  I talked to several "famous" Muslims and Noor was one of only a few who took the time to personally respond.  I like her in general, but I don't know her nor do I pretend to.

But what I do know is that sometimes we have to stand up for ourselves in unconventional ways.  Sometimes, my best conversations about hijab happen when a girl in very revealing clothing talks to me.  Sometimes my dawah is strongest when I'm speaking with people who fundamentally HATE Islam.

I get the part of the argument people are making that the interview will be used to sell more magazines and that this is thus making money for an organization that blatantly oppresses women in a way that Islam is HIGHLY against... but I don't get the criticisms of Noor herself.

I would be mad at her representation if she was half naked and talking about Islam... but... she's not.  Her body and her thoughts belong to her and do not belong to all of Islam.  Just as we do not want ISIS to speak for all of us because we don't agree with their ideas, Noor also does not need to speak for all of us if we don't agree with her opinions.

What if Allah loves her and you are judging her? You are calling her a hypocrite when Allah has not yet judged her or any of us.

Would I give an interview for Playboy? Maybe not... but for the sake of Noor and for the harsh criticisms I've seen from friends that I know a lot about... remember that Allah may magnify the one that you are humiliating.

Leave things that are not of your concern.

Allahu alam.  God knows best.

How Does It Feel to Be an Old Lady?

This week was my twenty-sixth birthday.  I cannot believe how old I'm becoming and how quick time flies. On top of this birthday, my little cousin who means more than anything in the world to me is turning eighteen in a few days.  I held her in my arms the day she was born.  I cannot believe that in this short amount of time, we have become adults.

This week I've done quite a bit of reflecting.

I'm not at all where I thought I would be at twenty-six.  I'm single, childless, I've started my own small business with no intentions of reaching mass proportions... Many people think my life is a train wreck.

Can I tell you something? My life is a beautiful mess.

Yes, I'm not the person I thought I would be if you read my five year goals at age 21... but I'm better.

While I so look forward to meeting my nuseeb (soulmate) someday soon inshaAllah and having a little Muslim family together, I have been building myself and bettering myself every day.

I'm still working on becoming the best "me" that I can be, but at age twenty-six, I'm still a work in progress.

I've learned to be so incredibly happy for the other people in my life that have achieved the goals that I hope to achieve soon and pray that the goals that Allah has in store for me are just as blessed.

Thanks for the birthday love from everyone.  I appreciate your prayers, well wishes, and even your concerns...

Alhamdulilah for everything that has happened to me in these past 26 years and Alhamdulilah for everything that I wanted but Allah did not give me.

We All Need a Little Forgiveness... The Day of Arafah

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These past few weeks, I have traveled back to Los Angeles and have been spending time organizing my life and my thoughts and while reflecting back, the theme of these weeks has been forgiveness. I happen to admittedly be one of the worst possible people at forgiving others.  I have a motto "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me" and I have lived by this motto since I can remember.  Because of that, people have one strike.  If they hurt me.... they're out of my life.

I'm not proud of this quality. I'm actually disgusted by it... but as an extremely sensitive person, this has become a second nature instinct. I have literally been best friends with someone one day and the next day never spoken with them again.

So that actually happened about two years ago. I spent nearly every waking moment with one person and after she hurt me, I cut her out of my life completely.  It was like she didn't exist.

Two years later, I was forced to go to dinner with her by a mutual friend who is quite sneaky and it was like our friendship never changed.  It all clicked all over again.  I'm staying with her for the next three months.  This is a powerful reminder of how forgiveness (both me forgiving her and her forgiving me) has been such a blessing.

Today, on the Day of Arafah, the theme is also forgiveness.  Fasting today will forgive your sins from last year and for the next year inshaAllah.  As I sit here, staring down some Creamy Ranch Quaker snacks that I can't wait to dive into, I am so humbled by forgiveness.

Allah's forgiveness is infinite.  He does not even judge us until the Day of Judgement.  He loves us to the point that His Forgiveness has such a simple requirement of fasting one day.

I keep asking myself: Who do I think that I am that I do not forgive people? Why am I so special that I only give people one strike when Allah gives countless opportunities to repent?

His Mercy is the reason for every moment of our existence. It embraces all things.

More than anything, this is a reminder for myself to be more merciful.  After all, if you show mercy to the ones on earth, the One in Heaven will show you Mercy.

Please keep me in your du'aa today and always.  Please forgive me for all of my shortcomings. Please remember, no matter how far away you are from Allah right now, He has never taken leave of you and He holds your forgiveness.

Do I Have to Wear a Hijab If I Convert to Islam?

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Every day I check out the search terms people used to find my blog so if there are any questions that I feel like I might be able to answer, I have the ability to answer them so that the next similar Google search can give some answers inshaAllah. As a stipulation, I do try to always make it clear I'm not a religious expert by ANY means.  I'm just trying to explain what I know and my understanding of that very small subsection of knowledge.

I saw this question the other day: "Do I have to wear a hijab if I convert to Islam?"

So the answer is yes.... and no... at the same time.

Religiously, hijab is a requirement.  It's debated, but I'm honestly not quite sure why it's debated.  The Quran in verse 24:31 (yes, I know the verse by heart, that's how often I get this question) mentions that "khimar" (a covering of both the head and breast) is required.

At the same time, wearing hijab doesn't make you Muslim.  Thus, when you ask "do I have to" the answer is "not necessarily."

No one is perfect.  So, I might wear hijab but I may be terrible at prayer.  You might not wear hijab, but you might be a way better Muslim than I am in other ways.

You should wear hijab from an Islamic perspective... but no one is perfect. What is important is to have modesty.

So, my dear reader whoever you are that had this question in mind and came to my blog looking for an answer: If you do not feel comfortable wearing hijab today, but you believe that there is no god but God and that Prophet Muhammad is His messenger - take your shahada. Right now. And hijab can come in time.

Can I be honest with you? I felt the exact same way as you.  I promise.  I'm actually tearing up now thinking about how I used to feel this way and how scared I was... that scariness goes away so fast.

One day, I decided I felt better wearing hijab.  So I did. I tried it. I practiced.  And I practiced so much that I got good at it and started wearing it full time five years ago.

That feeling may come for you in a day. Or a year.  Or never...

And that's between you and your God.  NO ONE else.

Make it an ultimate goal, but first focus on your faith.  When God decides you will wear it, you will.

Trust me, it's just a piece of cloth... but what it represents will make your heart happier than you can imagine.

Welcome to Islam, my sister <3 May God hold your soul in His hand from now until forever.

With love,

Hannah

P.S. if you need anything, please contact me.