My Love-Hate Relationship with This World

SubhanAllah, I do not think there is anything more that I both love and hate than this world. God truly gave us the most beautiful place to call home.  Cheesy I know - but, I'm often literally speechless at how beautiful some places on earth are.  I remember the first time I went to Los Angeles and I was driving on the highway and saw the mountains and just started crying my eyes out.  SubhanAllah, this earth is truly magnificent. Allah is the best Artist, Creator, Painter... well, He's the best Everything, to be honest. Each leaf is perfect.  Each grain of sand is perfect.

There's nothing more that I love to do than travel.  Every penny of extra money I have I spend on travelling. It's my favorite thing to do! I want to see all of this world! It's so amazing!!!!

And, the saddest thing to me, is that we are the worst part of the world.

Not all of us, of course.

Some of us are wonderful additions to this place. Some work to do good constantly. Some give of their hearts, their time, their everything, to make this place better.  I hope someday I achieve this level of goodness.

But, some of us just suck.

Why would you possibly ruin His Creation? Why would you hurt people? How can you watch people suffer and not be heartbroken inside?

I had a 4 minute panic attack the other day because there was a kitten near a wheel of a car and I had to make sure that the people driving the car saw it before they backed up and before I left.

An hour after my panic attack, people killed hundreds of people (not just 140 - look it up, people, there's attacks all over the world!) for no reason.  For Syria? For Palestine? For other human lives? My heart breaks for Syria and Palestine, but killing other people makes my heart break more, not less.

I feel that I am so blessed in my life.  Not just because I have all the material things I need to survive. But, because God gave me a tiny place on this earth. I watch this one Ted Talk all the time that I will post about in the future, but the main point of it is that subhanAllah, the likelihood of our existence as a person is like 1 in 400 trillion.  Why the hell would you want to ruin that? And, selfishly, why would you ruin this beautiful place that Allah gave ME?

I know wanting peace on earth is naive and stupid, but I want peace on earth.

Not peace in first world countries.  Peace everywhere. I know it's impossible, because Allah made perfection only in Heaven, so maybe that's why our world is so bad.  Because we have another place to go to that is exponentially better.

But, still, while I'm here, I wish we could all make it as good as it can possibly be. I wish we all added to the perfection of the earth and didn't take away from it.

May Allah make all of us - Muslim, Christian, Jew, Atheist, Hindu, Buddhist, Sikh, Taoist, whatever the heck you are - additions to the perfection of His Creation.  May we be constantly reminded of this gift He gave us in being alive and may all of our lives be in striving to make this a better place.

I say it every single day: We are all brothers under the same God. Why can't they hear me?

WHY DO MUSLIMS KILL INNOCENT PEOPLE? 🇫🇷

After something like this, I just get so confused. ARE WE READING THE SAME BOOK, PEOPLE? My religion is about compassion and mercy for people. It says women and children cannot be killed. Killing innocent people is as if you kill all of mankind and saving one life is like saving all of mankind. When people incline to you with peace, you are supposed to incline to peace. There's a million more similar examples and decrees in Quran that tell us similar ways to behave. What are you thinking?!

I don't understand how we can have all of the same materials, all of the same words that God decreed to us, that we should live in peace with all of our neighbors of all faiths, and that we are all brothers in humanity, and yet you're doing this craziness?!? I work so hard to show people what my religion really is, and then you just mess it up on a mass scale seemingly daily. Not just in Paris, but in Beirut, Palestine, Syria, and all over the world.

Please, stop giving people a false picture of my beautiful religion. Islam is perfect, Muslims definitely aren't. I'm begging the world to hate these people, these monsters, who kill saying Allah's name, but in a way that Allah would HATE. Don't hate my religion. I swear to you, this is not what our religion says. In fact, this is not my religion. We are all supposed to act as a mercy for mankind.

May God protect all people on earth and grant these people who died senselessly the highest levels in Heaven for this attack on humanity. And, may God change these "extremists" who are not practicing an extreme form of Islam, but are practicing an extreme form of crazy.

“And whoever kills a believer (in God) intentionally, his punishment is Hell; he shall abide in it, and Allah will send His wrath on him and curse him and prepare for him a painful chastisement.” (Surah an-Nisā’ 4:93)

How Do You Like Living in Saudi Arabia?

One of my readers requested this topic, and I wanted to give an update after being here for six months anyway :) In general, I love Saudia.

Actually, after reading the post I wrote when I first came to Saudi, it was funny to see how my perspective has changed, subhanAllah, especially on the things I hate.

I still hate that people think I'm Saudi automatically because I cover my face.  I like it in that I blend in and no one asks annoying questions, but I hate it in that I have awkward conversations when someone catches me off-guard and my Arabic is not on point that day :) I also still really hate that I get sick in the backseat of cars.  When I have to take a driver, I get REAL queezy.

Everything else has changed!

I now LOVE gahwa Arabi (Arabic coffee) but I am particular about which ones I like.  One of the guys at work brings the BEST one from home every day and I can't wait to drink it when I arrive!

I used to hate other foreigners, now I have come to an understanding with them.  After getting to know many Filipinos and other nationalities that are working here in Saudi, I realize that it's pretty awesome that we can all get along here.

Workers are still rude, but I'm starting to care less and less.  For example, the guy that works at the coffee shop in the hospital, makes my morning by serenading me daily. He hates people so much and we have many inside jokes.  He's my favorite Filipino in the world.  He makes up for all of the rude, annoying workers here like the jerks at my bank.

Now that I have been here long enough, getting food has been much easier. (I got fat again!) and I have places to go to wear clothes now, which was one of my complaints from before.

I love that I don't have problems covering my face, no one tells me to "go back where I came from" (and for the first time, people could say that and be correct!) and that everyone here is Muslim.  It's easy to pray. It's easy to talk about Islam.  And, we are not hated for our love for God.  That is what I find is the biggest blessing about Saudia.

More than anything, my biggest complaint is that my heart is scattered across the globe.  I terribly miss my two best friends, who are living in different parts of California.  I terribly miss my Grandmother, cousin, and family, who live in Ohio.  And, when I went to visit them in Ohio, I missed Saudi terribly.

The lesson that being here has taught me is that no where on earth is perfect.  Perfection is in Jannah with Allah.  In Jannah, there is love without separation.  Here, on earth, we cannot be with everyone that we love at once.  We have to sacrifice.

I'm really happy where I am, Alhamdulilah.

Make no mistake, this place is not for everyone! But, for me, Alhamdulilah, it's becoming my temporary home.  My real Home is in Jannah, inshaAllah.

But, ya Rb, You give someone the inspiration to invent a teleporter soon! I have some travelling to California, Ohio, and many other places across the world to do!

Why Starbucks Cups Are the Last Thing You Should Worry About Today

This morning I woke up to "CupGate" on my Facebook feed.  Apparently, there is much hatred in the States being spewed at Starbucks for leaving "Merry Christmas" off their cups.

Guess what? It doesn't freaking matter.

I'm not saying it doesn't matter because I don't celebrate Christmas.

I'm not saying it doesn't matter because I don't live in the States anymore.

I'm saying it because it really doesn't matter.

Actually.  I'm wrong.  Cups matter.

The cup of dirty water for the children in Africa - that cup is important.

The empty cup for the starving refugee children - that cup also means something.

And, the cup of medicine to help a sick old woman - that one is also important.

One that holds your latte, isn't.

I was angry all morning seeing people with this vengeance about stupid Starbucks cups.  Then, I got to work, and I realized it's all meaningless.

I started my day by hearing some extremely devastating news.  A girl that holds a similar position that I do, had a tragedy in her family.  Her daughter passed away yesterday - may God be pleased with her.

I don't know this girl. I don't know anything about her family or about her life.  I don't share my religion with her.  I don't share my culture with her. But, I do share my God with her. (I share my God with everyone - if you believe in Him or if you don't.)

And in my humble, often wrong opinion, my God would want us all to realize that cups - or at least what is written on cups - doesn't matter, but fellowship and brotherhood do.

This world is pretty messed up that this little baby's death is less important than some stupid freaking cups in the eyes of the world.  Alhamdulilah, in the eyes of God, that is not the case. He is with us, He hears and He sees.  And yet, we are blind and deaf.

SubhanAllah, today was a reminder for me to forget about the stupid problems in this world and focus on the real ones.  While you're at it, focus on the blessings. And, please say a prayer for that baby and a safe journey to Heaven for her, inshaAllah. I hope there's a sippy cup with her name on it.

45 Things You Never Thanked Your Julianne (Grandmother) For...

A friend posted a cutesy article called, "30 Things You Never Thanked Your Grandma For."  I was excited to read it, hoping to feel some warm grandma fuzzies. But after getting halfway through the list, I realized, this list is stupid.

Maybe some people out there have cookie making, cross-stitch doing, Martha Stewart grandmas.

I don't.

I have something better than just any old grandma.  I have a Julianne.

She's a rare, elusive gift.  About 4'9,'' or 5'2'' with heels and hair.  She never worked a day in her life.  She doesn't care about political correctness.  And, she tells people she's 94 so they'll say, "wow! you look great for 94!!" when she's only 84.  She is not afraid to call a baby ugly.  She is not afraid to flirt with waiters.  She can't spell.  She can't do math.  She thinks the calendar in Saudi looks different than the calendar in America.  Her mind is blown by common knowledge and simple words on a daily basis.  She's absolutely crazy, and yet, I live and breathe for and because of this tiny little nuisance.

For those with the cutesy grandmas, you don't need to read any further.  For those who wish they had a Julianne, here's what you would be thankful for.

45 Things You Never Thanked Your Julianne For...

1. For ruining my 5th grade science poster by writing in Sharpie in your own handwriting when I asked you to go over my letters that I made in pencil.  You taught me to be independent.
2. For the way you squeeze the spot on my back when you hug me that causes me excruciating pain.  That’s a pain only you or a 7 year old can give me based on your height. You taught me that I really have to love someone to let them give me sciolosis.
3. For being the worst baker on the history of this earth.  You taught me that stereotypes are stupid and grandmas don’t need to make cookies and sew.  Family joke: We have “Aunt Aggies” for that work.
4. For doing my laundry when I was little.  You only ruined or stole 70% of my clothing.
5. For your unique perspective on life and constant commentary.
6. For the way you taught me to treat my husband someday.
7. For making us order our own birthday candles and still acting surprised.
8. For “turning around” the piece of paper when I went home to surprise you for the first time instead of physically “turning around.”  You taught me I need to be very specific.
9. For demanding that I figure out a way to send a card from Saudi Arabia because you HAD to see a stamp.
10. For being the least classy woman I may have ever met - because you’re real.  You never were fake to us.
11. For forcing me to read or watch the History channel.  Because of you, I could read and spell “anonymous” at age three.
12. For your voice.  It has given everyone I know many laughs as I mimic it.
13. For not listening to me when I explained that NO, IT’S NOT AVOCADO, IT’S WASABI! And then nearly choking to death
14. For the fact that I was actually concerned about you when you choked.  That is love.
15. For being there for me when I needed you.
16. For dying my hair seven different shades of blonde when I was a child.  You gave me the world's first ombre.
17. For being one of the few people that gets overjoyed when I call you.
18. For accepting me - unconditionally - even if that means you think I converted to Arab instead of Islam.
19. For not being ashamed to ask absolutely stupid questions. No, it’s not next week in Saudi Arabia.  It’s the next day.
20. For changing my diapers.  Now, we’re “in the same boat” shall we say.
21. For teaching me to always care about how I look even if your eyeliner is a little extreme and you hate eyebrows.
22. For never forgetting my birthday. Also, for never forgetting YOUR birthday and expecting a gift.
23. For not praising me too much - at least not to my face.  You taught me to be self motivated.
24. For the many scars I have all over my arms, legs, and especially the huge one on my hand from our catfights when I was little.
25. For the way you make fun of people and hate when we make fun of you.
26. For taking care of grandpa now that he's old.
27. For teaching me divorce is NOT an option.
28. For teaching me how NOT to drive. "It's not that we're moving forwards, it's that all the other cars are moving backwards...."
29. For always wanting to tag along no matter what I do.
30. For the way you underline random words on cards just because. Your emphasis is intriguing.
31. For the stories about my mother that no one would have been able to tell me if it weren’t for you.
32. For my mother.
33. For taking care of her when she was little.
34. For taking care of her when she was pregnant with me.
35. For taking care of her when she was dying.
36. For teaching me how NOT to wear perfume.
37. For taking out your teeth in public. At the same time, it is an absolute joy and horror to watch.
38. For never changing yourself and your quirks no matter what people say.
39. For the way you showed us what true love is by the way you look at grandpa.
40. For how strong you were when my mother died.
41. For all of these memories that I will forever look back on and wish you were here someday.
42. For teaching me about God.
43. For giving me plenty of stories to tell my children about you.
44. For all the laughs.
45. For our family.

Thank you, Grandma.  I love you. I miss you. In my ideal world, you live just right down the street (but not next door).

May Allah keep her for me and for my family.  Please, don't forget to remember her in your prayers.  After all, everytime a Julianne does something embarrassing, an angel gets its wings!

Fourteen Years Ago Today...

today is the anniversary of the day that hurt both my country and my religion. my heart will always be broken for the families, but I hope there comes a day when the crazy people that did such a stupid and unislamic attack on America will be the only ones held accountable and not my beautiful religion.

I may have known nothing about Islam on 9/11, but now, Alhamdulilah, I am so thankful that I didn't let the hijackers also hijack my ideas about Islam and that they didn't let this day make up my mind for me.

may God continue to bless my country and continue to make Muslims behave as He intended us to. Ameen ❤ 🇺🇸💙

P.S., my religion is perfect... Muslims aren't.

Pray For Me, Please... <3

First of all, Ramadan Kareem! Second of all, I'm so sorry I haven't been posting.  I am running out of topics.  Alhamdulilah, I've been reading a lot lately so I realized there were some topics I want to discuss.  InshAllah more to come on that within the next month.

Now, I want to make the most heartfelt request I have ever made to you....

Please, pray for me.

My life is far from perfect.  I am SO far from perfect.  I think that's evident if you know me in any capacity.

But, right now, I am at a turning point in something I have wanted for a very long time.  Something that I pray for CONSTANTLY. Something that I want more than anything else in this world.

I know that Allah answers prayer. I know that many of you are probably closer to Him than I am.

So, please...

If I have ever done any favor for you, helped you in any way, inspired you, encouraged you, any small favor... please, repay that favor now.

No matter what religion you are, no matter where you live, pray for me.

Make du'aa that Allah brings me only the best things in this world and keeps away all the bad.

That what is in my heart will come to fruition through His Will and His Mercy.

I will be always grateful.

And, know that ALWAYS all of you are in my prayers <3

Love you all for the sake of Allah. May He bring you all the best and keep away anything bad as well.

Jazak Allah khair.  May God bless you.

Happy Sixtieth Anniversary to My Grandparents <3

There are so few examples of love that I know of personally. Sure, I read about it in books and watched it on fairytales when I was little.  Yet, I was fortunate to have a fairytale love in my own house.

The love story of my grandparents is even better, though, because it's real.  They taught me that getting divorced is not an option - no matter how tough life is.  They went through so many ups and downs - including the death of my mother, their daughter.  They fought.  They made mistakes.  Still, they made it through it all with love and effort.

I'm honored to be a piece of them.  I'm thankful that their love produced my family, and most specifically my mother.

I'm crying ALL the tears right now thinking of how much I love them.

So, in honor of their sixtieth wedding anniversary (say MashaAllah!) I wrote a poem that describes their love story.

I'm praying that Allah brings me a man that is half as good as my grandfather, and I also pray that He grants me a love for him equal to that of my grandmother.  May Allah (swt) grant you the same happiness.  This is nuseeb, people.

The Wait

We both went to a wedding looking for a free meal and dance,

but soon after noticing you, I found love at first glance.

You stood there like a statue as the band’s music boomed,

and I knew within an instant that my heart was surely doomed.

I offered you a dance, and within just seconds I fell,

knowing that with you and your left feet I would make many stories to tell.

So, I handed you a dime hoping you would call me soon,

and was disappointed when you disappeared at the ending of the tune.

Immediately there was a connection beyond this world we live,

And just to see you once again there was nothing I wouldn’t give.

So I waited and I waited, praying for your call,

Although I met many other girls you always had my all.

For as quickly as I met you, I still had much time to spend,

though when you met me you say you couldn't wait to tell your friends.

In my mind there could be no other girl to try and take your place,

and I knew if I kept waiting someday again I would see your face.

Yet after several months, I decided to move on,

assuming that you were taken and your love already gone.

But thankfully, God’s ultimate gift to me finally arrived,

when I heard the phone, then your voice, my heart had been revived.

And now, looking back on it, you have made the perfect bride,

Although often testing my patience, perseverance and my pride.

It was more than worth the wait for our family and your affection,

and even at eighty-two, in my eyes you are perfection.

This life with you has been the greatest blessing I ever could have foreseen,

And always in my eyes I remember you at age fourteen.

Reflecting on the small coin I gave you years ago with one in hand,

Reminds me that all this waiting was part of His ultimate plan.

Finally we are the point in life where waiting takes us Home,

and still I waste my moments as you use your makeup and your comb.

If you make it there first, then you will be the one to have to wait,

But the secret with our love is that there is never a time too late.